Recently an article on Scary Mommy grabbed my attention. “Anesthetist Facing Charges for Ignoring C-Section Mom’s Pain,” and ScaryMommy quoting, “They insisted the mom was feeling pressure, not pain.” I can relate to what this mom went through and it brought back a flood of memories and emotion. I’ve nonchalantly joked with select people before when the topic came up, “Yeah, I had a botched c-section.” But I’m not sure, aside from this woman, if anyone had any idea what I actually meant.
How television portrays c-sections
I was pregnant with my daughter in 2003 and by the time I found out I was pregnant with twins due in 2006 I had watched my fair share of TLC’s hit show A Baby Story. A pretty picture of cesarean sections was typically portrayed. Mom is comfortable and fully aware, dad by her side, mom looks oblivious to the fact that they’re delivering her baby until they hand him over the curtain and place him by her face for a first glimpse and kiss. Nothing scary about that right? I had a fairly easy pregnancy with my twins, although high risk, I was comfortable and had had no real complications. A c-section was not on my radar at all but my Doctor recommended I deliver at 38 weeks. By then I was done being pregnant, so uncomfortable and huge and ready to deliver. To give you an idea of my size, at 28 weeks I was measuring 39 weeks! I wanted to go into labor naturally and have a vaginal delivery but was at peace with our decision to have them at 38 weeks and very excited to meet my sons.
How my c-section actually went
I went in for our scheduled cesarean but I was under the impression that if they weren’t breech I could try for a vaginal with induction. That morning our ultrasound showed they were both still breech. I was extremely nervous and scared, had my epidural and lay down on the table for prep. My husband was at my side. Things happened very quickly after that and I don’t want to go into moment-by-moment details in an effort to keep this post from getting too lengthy. In a nutshell, with the curtain up my anesthesiologist poked my breast with a sharp pointy object and asked, “can you feel that?” to which I replied “yes.” Panic mode took over my brain. Was I not supposed to feel that? The doctor was waiting for confirmation that I in fact could not feel anything so the anesthesiologist turned up the juice. Again some test was performed to make sure I couldn’t feel anything and again I could feel something I was sure I wasn’t supposed to. The doctor began to question the anesthesiologist and the anesthesiologist was positive that I really wasn’t feeling anything and said we were good to go. I don’t think I’d ever been so scared in my life. They didn’t believe me. Was I going to feel every single thing? Was I supposed to feel absolutely nothing? Was this pressure or pain? Was I going to feel them cutting next? I was quite literally freaking out and attempting to verbalize my concerns which in turned freaked the doctor out. I remember his worried tone as he continued to question the anesthesiologist who kept reassuring him that I was not feeling anything but pressure. He eventually made the decision to just go ahead knock me out completely.
“I don’t remember seeing their pink faces or hearing their cries. I remember ceiling tiles and nurses counting their instruments, sponges and gauze after the delivery.”
I don’t remember seeing their pink faces or hearing their cries. I remember ceiling tiles and nurses counting their instruments, sponges and gauze after the delivery. I woke up later in recovery and still have no idea how much time had passed. They showed me my boys and tried to allow me to hold them but I still couldn’t use my arms well enough to be trusted alone with them. Later that afternoon, or evening, I was able to meet them, hold them and nurse them for the first time. My c-section experience gave me nightmares for a few months after their birth. I’d dream that I couldn’t move or breathe, that I was suffocating in the vacuum of space and I’d wake up panicked and gasping for air. My twin sons are now 9 years old. Aside from briefly mentioning my experience a few times over the years I haven’t really wanted to share. I’ve never wanted my experience to scare other mothers who might be having a cesarean but perhaps the fact that it happened, and does happen, will open the lines of communication between mothers and their doctors about what is and is not normal. It was nothing like TLC’s A Baby Story but it is MY story. My sons were born happy and healthy and I’ve chosen not to dwell on what happened to me. I never mentioned a word of it to my doctor or nurses and not a word was mentioned to me. Perhaps experiences like mine are more common than we think? With enough anxiety surrounding birth, it is not my intention to worry or scare anyone. In hindsight I realized I hadn’t asked enough questions, but some of YOU still can. I know they must have mentioned I’d feel pressure but I’m sure I felt much more than that. By the time you’re on the table it’s too late for discussions about what to expect. I never really thought about my experience as having been traumatic but it was. I have joked about my “botched” c-section but never felt anger or sadness. Ultimately I still consider it a success. Sure things definitely could have gone better for me, but it’s all ancient history now. The photos and video my husband took in the operating room will continue to serve me where my memory fails. I don’t have any regrets but I do have a lot I’d do differently now had I known. Did you have a cesarean? Did you “feel” anything other than pressure? I’d love to read your thoughts in the comments of this blog post.
I’m Julie, a former cloth diaper retailer who discovered a passion for the industry. Now, instead of selling cloth diapers, I advocate them and promote small businesses I love who sell and manufacture them.
I’m the wife of a fireman and mother of three. I have a daughter and identical twin sons.
